


The Nudie Bootie Battle!

by DangerousCommieSubversive



Series: Professor Subversive's Fandom Guide To Poetic Forms [9]
Category: Birds of Prey (Comic), DCU, Secret Six
Genre: Gen, Humor, Parody, Poetry, Robert Service - Freeform, Silly, comic ballad, in fact possibily the silliest thing I've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:02:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/595916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerousCommieSubversive/pseuds/DangerousCommieSubversive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lengthy comic ballad in the style of Robert Service, about the Secret Six and Savant and Creote. Also known as, A Poem Where Everyone Gets Naked And Fights!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nudie Bootie Battle!

**Author's Note:**

> This ballad is written in the style of the Canadian poet Robert Service--I'm specifically parodying the form he uses in "The Shooting of Dan McGrew" and "The Creation of Sam McGee," which are both wonderful poems.
> 
> So yeah. This _may_ be the silliest thing I've ever written.

Down Gotham way one sunny day I saw a welcome sight:  
Some pretty bits called the Secret Six were spoiling for a fight.  
They'd come to town to do a job and hadn't gotten paid,  
'Cause life will always spike your plans, don't care how well they're laid

So the Secret Six, they just upped sticks and went to find the man  
Who'd stiffed them of their livelihood—and worse, taken their van.  
They'd track him down to the end of town, they said, and very soon,  
And wouldn't rest 'til they'd got the best of him and _all_ his goons.

Now that way down, at the end of town, in that same neighborhood,  
Lived Brian Durlin and his fella, trying to be good.  
They'd said that they would spend the day at a shelter near their home  
And serve some meals to down-at-the-heels cruel fate had forced to roam.

The food was hot, the line was long—this neighborhood was poor—  
When _thump-thump-thump_ and _bang-bang-bang_ and who burst in the door  
But Solomon Grundy (born on a Monday), Killer Croc in tow,  
With a host of goons and there—the man who'd screwed the poor Six so.

“Who? Tell us, please!” It's Mr. Freeze, all up in an awful huff,  
He hadn't the _cash_ to pay the Six, and they had called his bluff,  
And in the shelter's cellar was a bolt-hole he could take  
To hide from all those jilted mercs 'til their pursuit did break.

He hadn't counted on there being someone in the way—  
Savant and Creote took offense and leaped into the fray  
And as the poor folk scattered Mr. Freeze's point turned moot—  
Before he'd reached the cellar, came the Six in hot pursuit!

Now back to back our boys and girls did battle, scrap and scratch,  
And as he fought them Mr. Freeze a wicked plan did hatch.  
As Croc and Grundy held them off he booted up his gun  
And with an evil cackle up and froze them, every one.

But wait! The gun malfunctioned in a manner unforeseen!  
Freeze turned his gaze upon his foes and went a little green.  
Not frozen? No, or not quite so, or maybe not as _such_ —  
Their bodies fine (and I mean _fine_ )—their clothing, not so much.

 _That_ crumbled down onto the ground with a patter like the snow  
And left our heroes all dressed _down_ and nowhere fun to go.  
Savant _and_ Creote, _and_ the Six, all naked as the dawn!  
 _“Well, just because we're_ deshabille _can't mean the fight's not on.”_

But still a pause—their foes reared back, still startled at the sight.  
'Til Catman there—with his lovely...hair—now _that_ is a man I would bite.  
( _cough cough_ ) Wait, what was I saying! Oh right! He attacked! And Savant close behind!  
And Scandal and Deadshot and Creote and Bane. Grundy said, “Grundy losing his mind?

How you fight? You all naked!” And Jeannette said, “So? Grundy dear, I have nothing to hide.  
If it weren't for the chill I'd go naked all day. Be off, or I'll tan your backside!”  
They took down Croc (now _there's_ a shock—can't focus on the game?)  
Since what do our all our heroes lack? All together: No mercy! No shame!

They battled well, but in the end they found that Freeze had run,  
Still taking with him all their pay and spoiling all their fun.  
Said Deadshot, “Well, that went to hell, but fuck if it ain't a good fight.  
This is awkward and weird and our pal's disappeared—so why don't we call it a night?”

“It's not even three yet,” Savant said. “I think. And where are you going? I mean,  
You brought them here, and now it's clear you'd better help us clean.  
Floyd said, “Ok,” and they got underway, righting tables and picking up chairs  
And mopping the floors wearing nary a stitch and ignoring civilian stares.

“I've heard of you,” said Scandal now, “So while we have the time,  
There's a business arrangement I want to propose—have you thought of returning to crime?  
Not solo—wanna join the Six? We could use a blackmailer like you.  
You and your big friend would feel right at home, and the pay is decent too.”

“That could be fun. I'll think it over when I get a chance.  
But first things first—I need to wash. And we all need new pants.”  
So on that day, down Gotham way, where villains get their kicks,  
Savant and Creote fought the Freeze with the help of the Secret Six.

Did they join up or not? Who knows? At least they all survived,  
And thus concludes my tale of nudes with set-up most contrived.  
A shame I couldn't work dear Ryan Choi into this text,  
Or the Birds of Prey—well, what the hey. Let's get them naked next!

**Author's Note:**

> This poem brought to you by Daft Punk and sleep deprivation! Whoo!
> 
> Cross-posted to [Tumblr](http://dangerouscommiesubversive.tumblr.com/post/38095291587/the-nudie-bootie-battle-a-ridiculous-poem).
> 
> Did you enjoy it? Please let me know! ^_^


End file.
